Weirdest and worst Christmas lyrics

So, it has been a very long time since I have blogged anything on this blog. But my first blog post in well over three years comes as a result of hearing those same songs we hear every year--some of which are quite strange.

"The first Noel, the angel did say, was to certain poor shepherds." After all these hundreds of years, I'm surprised no one's come up with a better translation. First of all, they didn't translate Noel. Which is fine, I guess. But the first Noel was what to the shepherds? It was given to them? It was announced to them? And whatever it was, it was only to them? The fact that "the angel did say" only seems to confuse the issue.

"Over the river and through the woods...today is Christmas day." This song is fine. But it was originally a Thanksgiving song. And Christmas stole it. As if it didn't have enough songs already! Same story with "Jingle Bells."

"There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and caroling out in the snow. There'll be scary ghost stories..." I don't know about the rest of you, but I usually toast marshmallows when I go camping, and typically I don't go camping in December. And I associate "scary ghost stories" with Halloween. Sure, there's A Christmas Carol, but that's only one, and the song speaks of stories, plural.

"I wonder as I wander, out under the sky, how Jesus our Savior did come for to die, for poor on'ry people like you and like I..." "Onery" is a weird word. But the real problem in this song is that it says "like I." It should be "like me." They could have easily altered the rhyme, because it's a little strange to wonder and wander "out under the sky."

And speaking of grammar, how about "The smell of cakes and pies are absolutely everywhere"? When Jack Skellington sang this, he clearly neglected to realize that smell is the subject of the sentence, not cakes and pies.

"And this song of mine, in three quarter time..." This is an example of a forced rhyme. The writer puts some random statement in just to make the rhyme and rhythm work. Making a reference to your song, in the song, is one thing. But making a reference to the time is quite another. And not only is it a forced rhyme, it's not even a rhyme! "Mine" and "time" do not rhyme.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...but the prettiest sight you'll see is the holly that will be on your own front door." Holly may be pretty, but I think there are a lot of other things that are prettier. And it's presupposing that I put holly on my door. Who even uses holly anymore? And what makes my holly prettier than that of my neighbor? What if mine's dead and brown and the leaves are falling off, and my neighbor's is fresh and verdant? Is mine still prettier by default?

Then in the same song, "A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots is the wish of Barney and Ben. Dolls that will talk and go for a walk is the hope of Janice and Jen. And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again." I realize this song is very old, but I have no idea what hopalong boots are. Then there's the obvious awkwardness of putting names in that makes the song apply to hardly anyone. I don't think I know a single Barney, much less one family that has all four of those names. And if the kids are out of school, it's not beginning to look a lot like Christmas. That happened weeks, if not months, ago. In fact, if the parents are already sick of the kids being home, a) Christmas is already over, b) they have an unusually long Christmas break, or c) they are rotten parents!

"There's a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy as they pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie." If coffee makes you that happy, you have a serious caffeine addiction. Not to mention the fact that coffee is not seasonal at all. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir's alternate words are much more Christmassy (traditionally "cider," but in their 2008 concert with Brian Stokes Mitchell they said "egg nog"). I think Clay Aiken said "cocoa."

"Please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree." "OK dear, you want snow, you got it. I've got friends in very high places." And who puts presents on the tree? More recent versions have substituted "by" and "under," which are much more fitting prepositions.

"On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...." Rings and birds are one thing. But how do you give people as gifts? Especially aristocratic lords? Leaping lords, even?

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...and folks dressed up like Eskimos." I've never eaten a chestnut. And "Eskimo" is an offensive term that means "eater of raw flesh." "Inuit" is the appropriate term. Then it continues, "and every mother's child is going to spy..." What about the families where the mothers are not in the picture? Do fathers' children not spy?

"In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say 'Are you married?' We'll say 'No man, but you can do the job when you're in town.'" There's one of those specific names again. And if marriage is on your mind that much, you shouldn't be out building snowmen. And I don't know how fitting it is to call a parson "man." That sounds only slightly more respectful than "dude."
"In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he's a circus clown. We'll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman until the other kiddies knock him down." The most surefire way to be made fun of and bullied is to pretend a snowman is a clown, of all things.

"From Atlantic to Pacific, gee, the traffic is terrific." Enough said.


I think this is enough for one sitting. Maybe I'll make another post, if I think of more.